Friday, April 29, 2011

My own body

I have a love/hate relationship with my body. I'm pretty sure all most women do. I feel like talking about weight is a giant no-no for women, and for good reason. 150lbs on my frame as compared to someone else's frame are two completely different realities. I'm going to attempt to tread lightly into this subject, so as not to offend anyone. However, if you're sensitive about weight and body image, you may want to skip this post.

I'm a "small" girl. And by small I mean, I'm freakishly short. I'm just about 5' tall. Growing up I was always the smallest (both height and weight) in my class. I was certainly one of the smallest, if not the smallest, girls in my graduating class. As a matter of fact, if the seat belt/car seat laws concerning weight were as they are now, I would have needed a car seat when I graduated high school!

I thought I was losing weight after a tough break-up in college, which scared me. I made a doctor's appointment and she told me not to worry. To get my "head right" and it would work out.  She was right, everything leveled off. I tried a couple years later to put on a few pounds, with no luck.

Then I got into my first really secure, emotionally sound relationship with my now-husband. I put on more than a few pounds and wasn't sure what to do. I had no right to "complain". I was still thin by anyone else's standards, but I felt awful. I cried and I cried. We decided to start swimming at the pool at the local high school. My weight returned to a comfortable normal, and I didn't think much about it.

Then pregnancy. Holy crap. I didn't gain a lot of weight with  my pregnancy. I gained a normal 25-30 pounds.  Most of it melted off after having Lucas, and with the stress of having a newborn home, but not all of it. I still have about 10 pounds to go. But here's where the tricky part comes in, I can't talk to anyone about it. When other people bring up their weight, and I have anything to say about mine, I get nothing but eye rolls, and catty responses like, "Oh please, you need to lose weight".  As if I am not allowed to want my body back. As if I should be punished for being born with a small frame.

I don't understand women. I am nothing but supportive of the women in my life that have shared their weight loss struggle stories with me. I am sure to be extremely supportive of them in their quests. I understand that they are doing what they need to do to feel good about themselves, and I am right there to cheer them on and congratulate them along the way.

I don't feel like I get that same support. Just because I started at a size 0 (many years ago), and leveled out at a size 4, that doesn't make a bad person. That doesn't mean I don't want to go from my current size 6 (or 8 depending on style) back down to 4.  A mere 5-10 lbs to lose doesn't seem like much, and to someone who is average height (5'5" or so) it might not be. But 5-10lbs is a decent percentage of my body weight at 5' tall.

I also realize that my body has changed. I will never have my pre-pregnancy body back, and I'm 100% at peace with that. My stretch marks, saggy boobs, and little pouch are part of the territory. They are my battle wounds, and damn it I earned those. I will wear them proudly. I won't wear an extra 5-10lbs proudly. It makes me upset, and I need to change it.

I find it sad that I haven't had the courage or sense of self to get this task done. I honestly feel like I'm afraid of offending anyone. It's preposterous. I'd rather feel like crying every time I look in the mirror than offend some people. Rediculous. I'm honestly ashamed of myself.


  1. Hey! Im a new reader, Morgan's my best friend.I LOVE your blog! I just wanna say - don't ever feel bad for wanting to feel good! Anyone who rolls there eyes at you for what you want to achieve with your weight can suck it! We're women , and ALL women wanna be hot! And we all have the right to get to where we feel that way! Good luck with it!

  2. Thanks! Now the tricky part is motivating myself, haha. I'll get there some day!