Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Lucas is 8 months, and still not crawling. He is, however, obsessed with standing. He wants nothing more than to have us hold his hips and let him stand up like a big boy. He also likes to stand up while propped up next to the couch. This kid, man. He's a ton of fun.

So in my typical "I'm a girl so i must be paranoid at some point" moment this month, I convinced myself I was pregnant. Not only did I convince myself that I was pregnant (despite the IUD clogging my cervix), but I convinced myself that I could feel a baby kicking in there. OK, let's think about this, Nicole. You can't feel a baby moving around until near 20 weeks (give or take 4 weeks), which is what 5 months pregnant? I mean you're half way there at that point. So, obviously I am not 5 months pregnant, as I am not a walking blimp. But still, I was convinced enough to take a test, which of course was negative. Seriously? Why can't I ever be rational?!?!

The worst part about all of that is that I never told John. Not once. Didn't mention it. And I'm not sure why. I mean, he wouldn't be mad. Nervous, definitely, but not mad. Maybe I just didn't want to worry him until I was sure. I think this is the first time I've ever had a major concern and not shared it with him and it's not sitting well with me. Definitely going to chat with him about it tonight. I know he won't be upset, but I am. I don't like feeling like I'm hiding something, even though there's nothing to hide. So odd.

I'm also having this internal struggle; a quarter life crisis of sorts. All of a sudden I'm very interested in religion. Not for myself, per say. I have my personal beliefs, and they are just that. Personal. But I'm very interested in other people's religious views. I've found myself reading a lot of religion-based fiction novels in the past year or so. And I've enjoyed them. I've also enjoyed reading various blogs of people of varying religions to see how their belief systems affect their lives, decision making, and perspective. Does this mean I'm getting old? Or am I second-guessing what I always thought to be a pretty decent set of personal religious views? We'll see how it pans out.

On the other hand, I'm really starting to be comfortable with life. Sounds stupid, but things are starting to calm down, and I'm really beginning to enjoy each day. My baby is ... well words can't quite describe him. He's perfect. My marriage is solid and I'm still just as in love as I was when we started dating. We go out and genuinely enjoy one another's company. I would spend days wrapped in his arms if I could. He can still floor me with just a look, a smile, or a chuckle. Family life (extended family, etc) is great. No real tension, that I'm aware of; if there is I am blissfully ignorant. Financially my life is still not perfect, but it's not as stressful as it once was. With any luck I'll be out of debt in the next year or so. All in all, things are good.