Tuesday, September 28, 2010


I love this idea. I'd like to put together a montage of Lucas. Only problem is, we don't have a video camera. So that will be my mission. In the next month, I'd like to somehow scrounge up the roughly $200 it will cost to buy a small digital camcorder. Then I will video tape Lucas every Sunday during breakfast. I was thinking i would do a few minutes at breakfast and a few minutes of random play time. I'd like each week to have 6 min 30 sec - since he was born on June 30th.

It will be interesting to see his growth and development laid out in front of me.

I need $$!

Monday, September 27, 2010

Ok, so I couldn't quite bring myself to delete facebook. Who am I kidding, I'm too nosey. And I do like reading some of the stuff on there. For example, I wouldn't have known about a friends' new job if it weren't for facebook. I wouldn't be able to reach out to large amounts of people at once. I've decided that I need to compromise with myself. While I get annoyed with some people's priorities or lack thereof, I'm just as guilty as the next person of pointless status posts. I need to work on myself and not worry about other people. I need to stop passing judgment. I don't know what these people are dealing with on a daily basis. If deciding on a pair of shoes is the biggest dilemma in their life, well then, so be it. I'm jealous, in fact. I wish shoes were my biggest concern.

I am in the process of trying to make a good plan of what to do with my life when this nanny job is over. I don't need to worry until Sept 2012. My job is secure until then, barring something crazy happening between now and then. I am torn between going back to school to get a certificate as a certified paraprofessional (teacher's aide, really), or if I should just go back to being a preschool teacher again. The sad part about it is that I will likely take a pay cut either way. Going to school is really not possible for us financially at this point. And scheduling-wise, I'm not sure I could make it work. But who knows if I'd be able to find a preschool teaching job in September 2012. I'm a planner. I like to have a plan. And while I realize this is 2 years away, I don't like the "unknown". Scares the shit out of me. The reality of our situation is that I pay the mortgage. My entire paycheck goes there, and John manages to pay the rest of the bills. If I was to stop having an income, or take a paycut, we would have to find alternative housing. This scares me. I need to stop stressing about this, but I can't. I check job postings feverishly. At this point, I would leave where I am for more permanent position somewhere assuming the finances and scheduling would work out.

Seriously, being a grown up kind of blows. I always thought that I would be in a very "secure" financial situation when I grew up. I would "NEVER end up like my parents". HA! Not true. I was wrong. Not I'm struggling just like they did. But I'm happy. I mean, if money is the only thing I have to complain about, then I think I'm going alright. I have a happy marriage, a beautiful healthy son, a roof over my head, and I don't go to bed hungry.

Couldn't I just win the lottery or something? By magic, of course, because I won't waste money on that kind of crap...

Thursday, September 23, 2010

The Reason

He's the reason I wake up in the morning. He's the reason I rush around the house trying to make it "clean" (a very relative term in my home). He's the reason I bounce from relative to relative, visiting everyone. He's the reason I drag my ass to work every week. He's the reason I cook. He's the reason I try to take care of myself. When it comes right down to it, he is the reason that I am here. I was put here to be his mother. As long as I'm doing that, I'm doing just fine.

Monday, September 20, 2010

goodbye social media

Essential Updates (before I rant):

Lucas is doing great. No real milestones, as far as development goes. Still working on cutting those one year molars, so he's been a bit grumpy. He wants nothing more than to walk around and explore the house. He painted a picture for John's birthday, and I attached two pictures of him mid-creation. John enjoyed it.

I saw Norm on Friday. He is, in fact, alive. His front door had been in the same position for a few days, no movement on the laundry line, and no sighting for a while. I was nervous. I intend to drive by today to check on things for good measure.

(Cue Rant) In other news, I have deleted my twitter & tumblr accounts. I just need to be more selective with teh internet browsing that I indulge in. I can't be bothered to read pointless posts about the "hardest decisions" people are making, such as which shoes to buy. I can't be bothered to look at an infinite number of scenester, hipster idiots posting photos that they created. Everyone is a fucking graphic designer, oh please. Everyone is an artist, come on. Seriously.

Don't get me wrong, I love reading blogs. That is, I love reading well thought out blogs about topics that are relevant to my interests. I like reading "mommy" blogs, because it's nice to get some perspective every now and then. I like reading my friends blogs. It's a great way to keep in touch with day to day goings on, assuming they are relevant. I even enjoy a well organized photo blog, assuming it's a portfolio of sorts. Not a ramdom collection of other people's work. Maybe I'm just becoming a crotchety old woman, but I have had it. I'm overwhelmed, and I need to simplify. I need to cut out things that make me angry, such as the blogs of people in their mid twenties with terrible cases of peter pan syndrome.

I'm considering deleting all my facebook stuff too. Starting over, possibly. Keeping it much more simple, just for immediate friends & family and not high school, college, or people I have no intention of "keeping in touch with". If I don't send you a Christmas card, or an invitation to a birthday party, or any other indication that we are still close, then I can't be bothered to hear about your commute to work this morning. I do realize that these people also don't want ot hear about how excited I am to watch Dexter (my last status update) - So I am, in effect, going to be helping them out too. I think I'll begin the process tonight.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

well i guess this is growing up...

Two days in a row without a Norm sighting. His door was in the same position both days. If it's the same tomorrow, I may be forced to either stop or maybe ask the police to do a well-check? I just don't know. Why am I so concerned about the well being of a complete stranger. I think it's because I have this heartbreaking fear, which is probably a complete figment of my imagination, that I'm the only one that cares. It makes me want to cry.

In other news, Lucas has decided to start saying "Up" now when he wants to climb the ramps at hte park. That's right... he says up NOT to indicate that he'd like to be held, but rather the opposite. He hates being held or carried. He wants to walk everywhere. He will crawl occasionally too, like here, where he plays with his fire truck while repeating "vrooom vroooooooooom":

My little guy is growing up. He walked the entire 53 foot length of the half pipe at the park without even a stumble. I can't believe it.

the world keeps spinning


Lucas is walking all over the place. He's a big boy now. He still crawls when he falls, but only so he can get to a place to pull himself back up. He has practiced squatting down, and sitting more gently. I think he will be standing up without needing to hold something within a month. I can't believe how big he is. Time flies.

Last night, he was getting a little cranky near bedtime. He was tired and kept falling down, which frustrates him. He sat on the floor and looked up at me with those sad eyes and a big pout, and laid himself down verrrrrrrry slowly. I took my cue, knelt over him and nuzzled my face between his jawline and shoulder. I growled and grumbled and kissed his little neck as he wriggled and squealed. I would pull me head up, and switch sides and take a moment to enjoy that big smile. That smile is the most important thing in the entire universe to me. No matter what happens, if I can get Lucas to crack one of those big smiles - it will all be ok.

In other news, Norm is doing well, I think. I have seen him quite a few times this week, but not in a couple days. I'll pass his house on the way home today. I worry about him as the weather gets colder. I know he has a fireplace, which he utilizes for warmth. I've seen the smoke billowing out of his chimney in the winter.

I have had two dreams about buying various food/necessities, wrapping them, and leaving them on his doorstep when I see him walking about town. I can't bring myself to do it, though. I don't want to make assumptions. Maybe he he's perfectly happy.

We've had a busy month already. We grieved the loss of a wonderful woman; the mother of a good friend. It was tough. John took it pretty hard, which is to be expected, and buried himself in work to help himself through it.

Our anniversary was this past weekend. We enjoyed a little exploration through some woods at the secret pond, since it was too cold to swim. We've been there every year since we starting dating, and never walked any of the trails. We need to do this more often. Then we got a hotel room in sandwich for the night, and we got the very rare chance to reconnect. There was nothing to worry about, aside from each other for a night. It was perfect, and we both came home feeling that everything was back in place.

John's birthday is this coming Sunday. Being the wonderful wife that I am, I have nothing planned. Great. I'm also broke. I will have to figure something out.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Let's go back, now. Please.

Friday, September 3, 2010


I can't believe I'm going to actually write about this. But I have a secret obsession with the well-being of a stranger. Weird, no?

Ok, here's the story: One day, there was a show at the park, that got shut down because our permits were not in order. (That's a story for a different day) at any rate, I was lurking through facebook and came across a friend of one of the bands that played who is a photographer. I was poking around his albums because I'm nosey and I'm extremely interested in photography. I love to see different artists perspective, it really fascinates me. At any rate, I came across this photo:
( Photo credit: Justin Ball Yes I just gave a perfect stranger a photo credit. I didn't take the damn photo!!)

At any rate, I have always had an odd fascination with this house. I remember the first time I saw it, like it was yesterday. John and I were on his dual sport (street legal dirt bike), driving from Douglas to Bellingham and we went by this house. I remember thinking "God, that delapitated mess would be great to photograph." -- Fast forward a few years later and it's the day after my wedding, and my two friends Heather & Heather and I are out breaking into abandoned houses to photograph them. I immediately think of this house, but I can't remember where it is, or how to get there. -- Fast foward 1 more year, and we open the skate park. Now I drive by this house nearly everyday from the park to HOme Depot, or from work to the park. I notice that there are clothes out on the line one day. The next time I drive by I notice that the clothes have changed and the front door is open. The weather gets colder and there is smoke coming from the chimney. HOLY SHIT! Someone lives in this house?!?!?!

In comes my lurking, and I find out that the man's name is, in fact, Norm. There is a lot of rumor about exactly what Norm's story is. Some claim that he fell on financial hard times (clearly) and that a wealthy man offered to help him out in exchange for the deed to his home upon his passing - but when the time came to help him, he backed out and now the property is owned by a real estate company. I don't really believe this story, in it's entirety.

I am SO curious about Norm's story. I find myself driving slightly out of the way just to drive past and see that he's ok. I love catching a glimpse of Norm. Sometimes he's walking down the road, hands always behind his back looking at the ground. Sometimes he's out in his front lawn cutting the front foot of edging with kitchen sheers. (No, I'm not kidding). Sometimes he's out putting his clothes on the line. If I happen to drive by at the right time, usually around dinner time, he is standing at the foot of the staircase, near the front door. My favorite Norm-sighting was when I saw him reading a flier. He was grinning ear to ear. To see this man so happy brought tears to my eyes. I was so happy to see him in such a state of bliss. Here his is, living in a house that is falling down around him yet he still finds humor and joy in the world. There are holes in his roof bigger than my car, but that flier still brought a smile to his face.

I wish I had the courage to just stop one day and ask him his story. I'd love to help him fix his house, as much as I could. I'd love to help. I wouldn't love to insult the man. I wouldn't love to invade his privacy. It's such a fine line between being a good "neighbor" and overstepping your boundaries. Maybe he's happy living the way he lives. For all I know, this could be a very intentional choice. Maybe he's miserable and would be happy just to have someone stop and say hello. Maybe he's lonely, or maybe he is content and fulfilled. I'm at a loss. The only thing I'm certain about is that his property is beautiful in it's imperfection. It evokes a lot of emotion in me, and I can't place my finger on the reasons.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

I have been reading a ton this summer. I'm not going to lie, since college, I haven't done much reading. In college I read books to "impress" people. So fucking stupid. So dumb. I was so concerned with what people thought about what I was reading. Then I just stopped reading altogether.
Then the Twilight Saga entered my life. And yes I realize how cliche it is. A mid-twenties MOTHER reading young adult fiction, but you know what? Screw your logic. Those books got me through my pregnancy. And I enjoyed them. Maybe they aren't literary genius, but I'll be damned if they weren't entertaining.
At any rate, just this summer I have read the following books:
-Mothers and Other Liars
-The Castaways
-A Summer Affair
-Summer People
-The Island
-Remember Me?
-On the Road

I'm currently reading The Lovely Bones. Now, I realize that this list isn't huge, or staggering. However, for me this list is enormous. I have read 3 of those books just this week. I just can't seem to get enough of reading lately. It's nice to read purely for entertainment. Not to impress. Not to keep up. For no other reason but to enjoy a story.

I am going to use the bookshelf thing on facebook to make a list of books that I still want to read. That will help me from getting overwhelmed and frustrated in the bookstore or library.