Saturday, January 30, 2010

Friday, January 29, 2010

once a month, maybe?

Poor little blog. All the time I spend online and I hardly ever update. I'd like to say it's because I'm "too busy", but lets be realistic. I mean, I am busy. But I do find plenty of time to surf the web aimlessly. I could take a few moments to jot down some thoughts. Well, that's neither here nor there. Lucas is nearly 7 months old. Holy shit!...
I was re-reading the last post and this sentence really made me think again: " I do all the things i used to laugh at when I was a preschool teacher. But that is an entirely different entry."

Well, that is this entry. I'm going to list all the "rediculous" things I do that I used to laugh about.
  • When a parent lingers when dropping off a child. Man did it drive me nuts as a teacher. And now I do it. Anytime someone babysits, I find at least 10 things to tell the sitter to buy myself a few more minutes before leaving. I even started having trouble dropping off the twins I nanny for. I find myself lingering in the doorway as they scatter off to play. What the hell?!
  • I immediately clutch my heart if he is upset. It physically hurts my heart when he cries (in pain). For example, we had to take Lucas to the ER last week because he was crying inconsolably for like 6 hours. Turns out he had a double ear infection and strep throat, poor thing. While I maintained an outwardly calm front, I was a frigging mess inside. I couldn't bear the thought of him being in pain. My heart felt like it was going to fall out of my chest. I wanted to burst into tears with him. It was nuts. Now I know why parents have such a tough time when their kids cry.
  • Co-sleeping. That's right, I said it. I used to think that people that let their kids sleep with them were outright stupid. I used to think they were weird, and crazy, and just ... wrong. And you know what? I was dead wrong. Lucas slept with us until he was about 2 1/2 months, and then we started crib training him. Only took a week or two. He was fine. He adujsts so well. I, however, was NOT fine. I was so upset. I had this weird "he doesn't need me" complex for a couple weeks. I missed hearing every breath. I missed opening my eyes to see him peacefully sleeping on my arm. I missed every single part about it. I still do. When he was sick last week, I let him sleep with us. More for myself because I was afraid to let him sleep alone because of his congestion. And I just wanted to remember how wonderful it really is. I missed it. And the fact of the matter is, he can't sleep with us anymore. He physically can't do it. If he's not alone, he won't sleep. He just wants to play. I miss it more than I ever thought possible. Mush, gush, gush.
  • Thinking your kid is exceptional, the best, the cutest, the smartest, yada yada yada. Yup. Now I understand. And all those parents were right. Their kids were the best, cutest and smartest, in their eyes. They weren't delusional. They weren't crazy. Most importantly, they weren't kidding. They were, as I am, so proud of their children. I mean, seriously, I'm proud of the silliest things. I'm proud of every noise. I'm proud of every movement. I'm proud of every bite of food, every sneeze, every splash in the tubbie. Hell, I'm proud of every different color that kid had produce via poop. Seriously. I'm proud of his shit. Most importantly, I'm proud to be his Mommy. (and that he said Mama first! ha!)
That's all I can think of now. But I know there are a ton more. I find myself having these parental epiphanies often.

On "project self awareness". I've stopped actively trying to figure out every detail of everything. I need to fucking let go!
A little note to myself, to be read when all seems lost:
Jesus Christ, Nicole. Stop overthinking everything step along the way and just enjoy the ride! Be the best person you can. Make the choices that you think are right. Do your best, but don't over-analyze. Enjoy every minute of every day. Keep working toward your major life goals, and never look back. The past is the past. It can't be undone. It will, however, come back to remind you that you are an ever-evolving being. You have come a long way, and give yourself the credit you deserve. You've made mistakes, and you've learned from them. You are the best mommy, and wife that you can be, and that's all anyone expects from you. If they expect more, then you don't need them. Also, do not keep wine on top of the fridge anymore. Cleaning it up off the floor when Joey knocks its over really sucks.
thanks, yourself.