Tuesday, February 16, 2010


Yeah I said it. I'm tackling the big one today. Religion.

But I'm not tackling the typical "I believe/don't believe this or that, and here's why..." blah blah blah. Because I feel like my faith, or potential lack there of, is a personal choice and journey.

I'm more or less making note that people are SO quick to explain the unexplainable by using religion. More specifically, when they are trying to explain a less than pleasant occurrence. It's been bugging me since Heather's squabbles with Matt and subsequent break-up. In the beginning, people were quick to point the finger at her. "You're texting too much" or "You guys need to communicate better", but as the relationship progressed, or rather it began to further deteriorate, people immediately jumped to "God has a plan" or "God only gives you what He thinks you can handle", blah!

Really? God decided to make Heather's relationship fall apart? God wanted Heather to be miserable for a while? Sorry, hunny, but I can't quite take that at face value. Whether I believe in God or not is irrelevant. Relationships are a human condition, and sometimes humanity sucks. Let's be honest; break-ups suck. Relationships and dating can suck. People are not good to each other and I don't think any kind of deity has anything to with it.

If that were the case, then why wasn't God telling Heather to stop texting? Because that was the problem in the beginning, right? WRONG! The problem was that the relationship wasn't working. Neither of them knew it yet, and it spun into a situation that caused them both a great deal of pain. So is that all God's work or not? Or does your God get to pick & choose when to claim responsibility? Does free will not exist to you people?

Pardon me for my accusatory banter, but it really irritates me that people rely on God as a way to reassure someone. They only pull the "God" card when there is just no explanation. He either does it all, or he does nothing. Period.

And again, I'm not saying that I do or do not believe. But what I can tell you is that my belief or non-belief is not conditional. I don't pull it out when I have a losing hand and hope for the best. Religions are generally based on faith. Complete faith. You don't get to choose when it's convenient. So take it, or leave it. But whatever your choice, STOP trying to use it to make others feel better. Especially when you don't know squat about them or their beliefs.

***end rant***

ps, feel free to re-post this for your "commenters". I take full responsibility and will deal with any/all snarky bullshit!

Monday, February 15, 2010

Trying on a new layout for size. I don't like it.
I'm thinking that I may try my hand at coding a new one. We'll see.

Anyway, what's new in the Romiglio house? Well, Lucas cut his first tooth this past weekend. I won't lie, I'm having a tough time with it. Being a mom is a funny thing, really. You work and work to try to get your child to the next milestone, the next big development, and then when it happens you weep because you've lost just a little bit more of the dependence you've been relying on. Being a mom is all about being "needed". And with each little growth marker, he's less dependent on me. In a way, I look at my husband and I'm jealous. He gets to enjoy each development and feel nothing but pride. He doesn't grieve it with me. And he doesn't really understand why I need to grieve such a happy occasion. I don't necessarily understand it. Is this my own little case of postpartum depression? I mean, I'm not 100% upset about his development. I'm 90% proud, excited and happy. But that 10% of me that feels lost and anxious seems to creep up. I mean, who cries over a tooth? Anyone with me?

Although this is a huge development for Lucas, I have been more concerned with Heather, lately. Her business is her business, so I'll keep details out of it, but I feel bad for her. She's going through a tough break-up and unfortunately the friends she's closest to near home (Boston) are less than helpful to her. I live a good 45 minutes away, and it's hard for me to get out there. There's so much going on, and I have to be home. My schedule changes by the minute and I feel terrible that she has had to come out here for support. I mean, I was less than helpful with her last breakup and she lived down the street. I had my reasons, and whether they were right or wrong, doesn't matter now. A best girl friend's job is to show up at your door, with ice cream (that you are too nauseous to eat), horror movies (that you won't be able to concentrate on, but are mindless enough that you can still follow the non-existent plot), maybe a bottle of wine, and just be there to offer a shoulder if nothing else. But instead, the best I can offer is for her to come here and I can do my best here. It breaks my heart. I hope that our girls' night out helped take her mind off of it, if nothing else. I'll tell you, she certainly had some fans on her night out, so if nothing else I hope it was a boost to her self esteem.
I always have trouble finding the right words when someone is grieving. I tend to do a lot of listening, and give small bits of advice. Most of my advice is how to deal with the current moment. I don't like to give advice about how to deal long-term. Usually because I feel like things could change at any moment. I also have a tough time finding the right words quickly enough. I usually find myself saying "Ugh, you idiot. You should have told her....blah blah blah...".
So in that spirit, I hope she knows that this is not the end of her life. I am fully aware that it feels like the world is crumbling around her. And she needs to embrace that feeling, let it take over and then rise up. It's going to take time, and I hope she knows that I will be there, to the best of my ability, every step of the way. She will find someone, when the time is right for both of them. He will be her perfect match, and she will know that it's right. Sounds cliche, but when you know - you know. I hope she knows that she is strong, and independent and she will get through this. She has so much going for her, and she is someone to be cherished and appreciated. She will look back on this relationship with mixed emotions for the rest of her life. No matter the outcome, she will look back and wonder. A girl always looks back at her first real love and wonder. But she will grow to a point, with the right person, that she will no longer wonder. She will look back and enjoy the happy times, and the less than perfect memories will fade.
It's hard to get past a first love, but it's possible. You'll get through, and I hope you know that we are here for you. Also, eat something. Don't make yourself sick! You'll waste away!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

I woke up super early this morning to get ready to go snowboarding with John. I felt terrible, however, when I got a text from Heather saying that she and her bf were going through a rough time, and possibly broke up. I wanted to drop everything and go hang out with her, and help her feel better. I remember how I felt when I got broken up with before i started dating John and all I wanted was a girl friend to help take my mind off of things. Unfortunately, I didn't really have anyone to fill that role for me. I had to rely on a few guy friends (who did a wonderful job), and it wasn't the same.
Then I saw John's face. He was so excited to share this new experience with me. And we'd been so disconnected lately. I knew that we needed this short trip. We haven't spent much time together, and I don't want us to lose touch. Marriage is a lot of work, and I haven't been putting in enough hours lately.
I felt guilty (and still do), but i went. And it was just what we needed. We had a blast. We were hysterically laughing. Neither of us lost our patience. There wasn't a single tense moment. It was perfect. We had so much fun. My tailbone would tell you a different story, but whatever. I'm so glad we went. I can't wait to go again.
Tomorrow is a busy day, but I'm ready for it! Lucas' doctor's appointment in the morning, my hair appointment, and then home to hang out with Heather for the evening. Girls' night, and lots of fun will be had. I'm looking forward to getting some good food too, I hope she's into that idea. I'm hungry thinking about it!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

quarter life crisis, 10 months late?

I'm reading through my posts, and trying to do so from an outsiders perspective (because sooooo many people read this, haha!). Anyway, if I didn't know myself I would think I was a middle aged woman going through a mid-life crisis. Everything is about not knowing who I am, and be pigeon-holed into roles that I've created for myself. It's actually quite a depressing read.

Unfortunately this will probably be much of the same, so I can get it all out and then move on. I often wonder why women are so insecure. I know I am, and I when I take a step back and evaluate situations, I know I'm being irrational and insecure, but yet I can't help it. To my knowledge, most women are this way -- feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

I've come a long way, don't get me wrong. Thanks to John (who I refer to as "boyfriend" but is actually my husband -- midlife crisis again, see?), I have learned to let go of a lot of my past insecurities. I used to panic when people would ask about my life from age 16-21 or so. It's all an embarrassing mess of mistakes, but not regrets. Try explaining that to people. It's fun, really. I'm getting more comfortable with my body -- well, I WAS before I had a baby. Now I'm back at square one again, but I'm making a conscious effort to get over it. I'm a girl, I'll never be 100% confident in my body, but I'm about 85% there when it's just me & the hubby. He's never made me feel uncomfortable, and is very patient despite the fact that he doesn't understand or agree.

I'm insecure in nearly all my relationships. I constantly strive to help my mother. Without getting into too much detail, there's no way I can do that. So I do my best to be a friend, a shoulder to lean on, someone else to vent to, and still maintain that mother-daughter relationship. It's a lot harder than it sounds, and I second guess every conversation, for fear that I may have pushed her too hard, or said the wrong thing. My relationship with my father is rocky at best. I love him, to death. He has always worked his ass for his family, and his heart is in the right place. His tact, however, is nonexistent. The way he talks to and treats my mother sometimes makes me want to lash out. And occasionally I do. Then I find myself backpedaling trying not to make either of their lives more stressful. Now let me clarify that my parents are still very much in love, and my father has been there for my mother through her darkest days. However, he doesn't always realize the weight of words, and tone. He also has too much pride to hear any criticism, constructive or otherwise. My sister, is well... my sister. Things are very predictably unpredictable. I just keep waiting for the day that she realizes what she's doing. I may be waiting a lifetime. My brother is a ticking time bomb. Not in the "i'm going to go shoot up a school" sense, or a violent sense at all. He just.. doesn't communicate, bottles it all up and then (to quote mean girls) - word vomit. He'll be the first to admit it. Once he goes off, he goes for the low blows and crosses lines. For that reason, I'm cautious to share much of anything with him.

Most importantly, I've been a little lost in my marriage. This is going to sound so incredibly petty and stupid, but for some reason it really gets to me. I dated a boy (notice the word choice - boy) before I dated John. I fell too hard, too fast for this boy. He even had a special song for a ring tone on my phone that would send my stomach into an instant fit of butterflies every time he called. Well, I hadn't heard that stupid song since we broke up, and hadn't really given him much thought since John and I got together. Well that song came on at work the other day and my stomach dropped. I don't know why. But it bothered me that this other person seems to still have this effect on me. It's not that I still have feelings for him. As a matter of fact, the thought of even being friends with him is humorous to me. He's just at a totally different place in his life. We would have nothing in common. His priorities are in no way aligned with mine. My love for John and his love for me are not in question at all. I know exactly where we stand, it just really irks me that something could have an effect on me. Stupid, right?

Well, apparently John has these same insecurities because he was all upset last month for a couple days. Usually he needs a couple days to process what's upsetting him before he wants to talk about it, so I let him open the doors of communication. Well after 3-4 days of this weird hum drum attitude I asked him what was wrong, and I got the dreaded response: "Promise you won't get upset..." Well I about passed out. "Here it comes", I thought. "It's all over, he's realized he's too good for me and he's come to his senses". He could tell by my face that I was imagining the worst and he took my hand. "Relax, it's nothing serious.". I tried to relax. Come to find out he had been having a recurring dream for the past week that he was cheating on me. It was a dream. And it was tearing him apart. "I can't figure out why it keeps happening. I wake up so angry because I could never do that to us" yada yada yada. Funny how things strike a chord with different people. The dreams have stopped now (i wonder if it was the lack of sexual activity between us that was causing it. seemed to cure it at any rate). javascript:void(0)

In an effort to re-connect with John I've been trying to think of things we could do together. It used to be that a snuggle date,or a movie was enough to feel reconnected. But those are not alone-time activities anymore now that we have Lucas. So I decided maybe I should try snowboarding. If nothing else it will be a fun escape from reality for a few hours.

Blah, I just feel. Disconnected. Like I'm just floating about, getting by, and missing all the wonderful things around me. I mean, seriously, what do I have to complain about? I'm a suburban mom,complete with mini van, adorable baby, loving husband and a pretty good job. Things are tight, but we're not starving, or really in need of anything. I just need to decompress, relax and enjoy things. **sigh**

Friday, February 5, 2010

Some downtime. 10:30 on a Friday night. What am I doing?

Well, if this was last year, I was probably... hmmm... PREGNANT! This was around the time of year of the cupcake party @ Heather's apt, and oh I had an ultrasound this time last year.
The year before... that was probably filled with... who the hell knows. Partying, possibly? At that point Heather was still in Milford, so I most likely did something with her.
Life is different now. It's Friday night. I'm at home. In bed. Alone. -- The baby is asleep, but he may or maynot wake up in the next hour or so for his last bottle. In which case, I'll be up until at least 1am. You see, when babies get sick, apparently there is NO such thing as a schedule.
Lucas had to go to the ER last week. Horrible. He had double ear infections & strep. Now his last dose of that medicine/antibiotic was on Tuesday. But on Thursday he was all weird again. Cranky, grumpy, just not himself. So I took him to his pediatrician just to be sure. (Again, one of those things I used to laugh at other mom's for doing... No actual symptoms, but RUN TO THE DR, QUICK!) -- Well, turns out Mommy instincts are in fact a reality. The antibiotic regimen he was on was strong enough to take care of hte strep and one ear, but the other ear was still mildy infected so he's on a different, slightly stronger, antibiotic. Luckily this is only once daily, which is more forgiving in the event that we forget at breakfast. However, antibiotics apparently make him very sleepy. Either that or being sick. Either way, he has been sleeping odd times... 4.5 hour nap here, 45 min nap there... etc. This kid is usually like a friggin clock though. 9am awake, breakfast, 11am nap till 12:30, 1 pm lunch, 3 pm nap til 4:30, 5pm dinner, 7 pm nap till 8:30, 9 pm bedtime bottle, in bed by 10:30, 11 at the latest. Rinse & repeat. It's always been that way. Even when he was eating every 3 hours, he ALWAYS slept relatively late, and always through the night. Now he's been waking up in the middle of the night (granted, when I say waking up, i mean he lays in bed and chats with himself, because until he cries, i'm not going in there. I assume he'll go back to sleep, and I'm usually right). But with that being said, He just had his "dinner" at 7:30, which would put his "nighttime bottle" at 11:30 or so. I'm hoping he stays asleep and gets a solid night's rest. For both his sake and mine. This will be the 3rd time in his life that he sleeps through a feeding.
The first time I remember being VERY panicky, but he was only a few weeks old, and ever ounce we could squeeze into him was crucial. The 2nd time was Christmas night. Poor kid was exhausted!! I slept through his bottle too, so I didn't really have the opportunity to panick. This time, I welcome the rest. I'm not feeling well, and I know damn well that he is not starving. The boy is 20 lbs and 2 oz at 7 months old. His 1 year old cousin is a whopping 22 lbs. I'm pretty sure his body can handle missing a bottle. He'll probably wake up one hungry little monster tomorrow.
Tomorrow is a day of cuddling. The hubby is going snowboarding with Joel in the am, then has a show at the skatepark, and is working till midnight. We won't see him at all. It will, however, be nice to have Lucas for an entire day by myself. We have only a couple errands to run, and then we're going to lounge in our pjs, snuggle, and watch movies. I will enjoy some nice warm hot cocoa, and Lucas will enjoy a nice room temperature bottle, and we will have a good time.
He has decided that his idea of a good time is anything that involves jumping, being tossed in the air, or being upside-down (or "up in the down" as jackjack used to say). He giggles, and giggles. And I turn to complete mush. One little baby giggle seriously melts my heart. I have heard a thousand babies giggle, but to hear MY baby giggle is by far the best feeling. I realize how cliche this all sounds, but every single day of parenthood brings new joys. That being said it brings new headaches, heartache and struggle also. But the good always seems to make the difficult a little easier to swallow.
Alright, I'm going to take this time to get some reading in before crashing. Nicholas Sparks books have been my poison as of late. Although I did take a break from them to read "Notes Left Behind" which could be the reason behind my quasi-depressed outlook co-mingling with "everyday is a blessing" outlook. I'm glad I read it, as it taught me some wonderful lessons, however, it scared the bejesus out of me. I recommend buying it, purely because the proceeds help fund cancer research.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Life always has a funny way of "slapping me back to reality". I put that in quotes because it's lyrics to a song that did exactly that. I was driving down the street, feeling sorry for myself, as I like to do. Typical "Oh boo hoo, my life is hard, blah". And then I hit a button in the new minivan, and I didnt realize it. It was the "mode" button on the stearing wheel, which turned the CD player on. I wasn't paying attention until this song came on. At which point I realized it was No Shit's no recordings. I had heard them before, a couple times, but hadn't really paid much attention. For some reason this song hit me especially hard. I have everything I need. I have everything I could ask for right now. Why the hell am I wasting time worrying about how "hard" life is. WHat am I? Retarded? Life isn't a cake walk. It's never going to be. But do I have a bad life? NOT EVEN CLOSE. My life is just about as good as I could ever hope. I have good friends, a good job, a wonderful husband, and perfect baby boy. I own a home, I own a vehicle, I kinda own a business (i run it, anyway lol), I have 3 pets, who are adorable. I have a great family, who is nothing but supportive. What the hell else could I want?
I need to pull myself out of this funk. Already time to re-read that little note to myself? Am I going to be one of those girls with a mantra on my mirror? I hope not.
Boo Hoo Negative Nancy. Pull your head out of your ass, and appreciate what you have.