Tuesday, December 15, 2009

neverending story...

Oh how i've neglected you, little blog. My deepest apologies, but since you are not a "shared" blog, and you are not an animate object... no harm, no foul!

Operation "Who the fuck are you?" Status: HA!

Every time I start to get a handle on things, some kind of wrench gets thrown in the gears. Usually the wrench comes in the form of financial woes. Other times it comes in the form of myself. Meaning, I'm my own worst enemy. I put too much pressure on myself, and just can't let go of this idea of being a perfectly imperfect mother/wife. I know damn well I'm not perfect, I certainly don't claim perfection and never have. But yet, I still feel this undying need to TRY to be perfect in motherhood & marraige. The two places it is IMPOSSIBLE to be perfect, because they are completely objective roles. I know I'm the perfect wife for John. I know that I have every quality that he looks for in a wife. I know that I have done my absolute bestby him, and he wouldn't change a thing. But that's just not good enough for me. I'm always searching for the next thing I can do to "wow" him, or help him, or just be "better" in general. Same thing as far as Lucas goes. I try time & time again to do things better than before. I do all the things i used to laugh at when I was a preschool teacher. But that is an entirely different entry.
I need to let go of my insecurities, and just be. I don't know if I ever will be able to do that, though. I feel like I'll always be striving to do better, to be more efficient, to be more involved, to be more supportive, to be more helpful. Is this good, normal human desire to improve - or complete and udder neurotic behavior? I have a tough time defining that line.

So here is where I will begin my list of New Year's Resolutions. Some will be impossible, some so easy it seems dumb to list them. But I want to look back this time next year (yes, I'm marking it on my Google Calendar now) and see how much of this, if any, I have accomplished.

  1. Get out of debt.
  2. Maintain consistent "family days" on Sunday.
  3. Monthly date night (seems easy, right? HA! Have a kid... Not easy)
  4. Really start playing with & enjoying my camera
  5. Work on the house (stairs!!!!)
  6. Create & adhere to a monthly budget
  7. Begin process of getting after-school license.
  8. start a vacation fund
  9. Have at least 2 girls getaways - overnight, mini road trip.