Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Less than adequate

I am having one of those days, where no matter what I do or what happens I feel completely inadequate. Like it's impossible for me to see the positives in my life at the moment. Sorry, but I use this blog to sort through my own thoughts and hopefully see the silver lining. So that's what I'll do. What i always do. Make a list (Hello, Tye A Personality? First born child, much?), and then berate myself into realizing my problems are rediculous first world problems. Nothing like some good old Irish Catholic guilt to brighten your day!

1. I've been super down about financial stress. We had to empty all of our accounts, and Lucas' to pay the mortgage this month. The first and hopefully only time I have cried while at the bank teller window. Talk about feeling inadequate, "Sorry Lucas, we had to empty your tiny savings account because your parents can't make ends meet at the moment. But don't worry... we're only responsible for your well-being. No big deal" --- Really, Nicole? Boo hoo, you own a home, things got tight. Welcome to reality. Welcome to your parents' reality for the entirety of their marriage thus far. You will replenish Lucas' account long before he's even old enough to know he HAS a bank account. You did what you had to do for your family's survival.

2. This goes hand in hand with the above, but Lucas's first steps were captured on a shitty cell phone camera. I had always envisioned myself with a nice (or at least decent) video camera to capture his "firsts". I sit back and look at the crappy, tiny, grainy video and I can't help but shed a tear. Reality check, there is NO video of your first steps. Or John's for that matter. I'd be willing to bet 90% of people don't have videos of their children's first steps. Hell, I'd bet more than that. Stop whining. Seriously.

3. I'm not really 100% happy at work. I mean, who is. But I can't decide what to do about it. I have it pretty good here. Decent pay, part time hours that allow me to have a couple days with Lucas, and a not so difficult work load. At the same time, I leave my son every morning, before he wakes up, to care for someone else's children. The guilt is staggering. And I have no benefits. This job is not helping me save, plan for retirement, take a vacation, and most importantly I have no fucking insurance. How can I be a good mother, if I can't even take care of myself properly?? It's maddening. But in order to get a job with these benefits, I'd have to get a full-time job, which means less time with Lucas. It also means finding childcare for Lucas because John can't juggle him and the park on a full-time basis. It's just not fair to him. And while I've been in childcare nearly my entire working life, I can't justify daycare. The thought breaks my heart into a million pieces. Nevermind the unrealistic cost.

4. I realize this is going to sound so snobby, but I need some "me" time. I just don't even know what I'd do with it. I brought up the idea of training for a triathlon to John. He laughed in my face. He's always been 100% supportive of me, and this is the first time he has been the complete opposite. While part of me wants his to turn his lack of support into motivation, I can't help but be a little crushed by it. I mean, why couldn't I do a triathlon? I realize that I'll have to train until summer of 2012 before I can even consider, but still... I mean, why not? I'm not crippled. I'm fucking 26 years old. I have no major health concerns. I'm just wildly out of shape. Conditioning-wise. I'm be no means overweight. Ok, I could lose a couple pounds, but find me a woman that has had a baby and doesn't have a couple extra pounds to lose. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do the "Couch to 5K" program for the next 9 weeks, and then I'll combine that with some swimming training in the winter. Then next spring I'll start adding some cycling to my training. Hopefully by summer of 2012 I'll feel comfortable enough to try at least.

Ok enough whining. I need goals. That's what I need. Goals. Fuck... another list. Not now.

1 comment:

  1. i totally get it. the mr. and i have had some hard, hard accepting to do about where we are financially the last few years, and it's really hard.