Tuesday, February 9, 2010

quarter life crisis, 10 months late?

I'm reading through my posts, and trying to do so from an outsiders perspective (because sooooo many people read this, haha!). Anyway, if I didn't know myself I would think I was a middle aged woman going through a mid-life crisis. Everything is about not knowing who I am, and be pigeon-holed into roles that I've created for myself. It's actually quite a depressing read.

Unfortunately this will probably be much of the same, so I can get it all out and then move on. I often wonder why women are so insecure. I know I am, and I when I take a step back and evaluate situations, I know I'm being irrational and insecure, but yet I can't help it. To my knowledge, most women are this way -- feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

I've come a long way, don't get me wrong. Thanks to John (who I refer to as "boyfriend" but is actually my husband -- midlife crisis again, see?), I have learned to let go of a lot of my past insecurities. I used to panic when people would ask about my life from age 16-21 or so. It's all an embarrassing mess of mistakes, but not regrets. Try explaining that to people. It's fun, really. I'm getting more comfortable with my body -- well, I WAS before I had a baby. Now I'm back at square one again, but I'm making a conscious effort to get over it. I'm a girl, I'll never be 100% confident in my body, but I'm about 85% there when it's just me & the hubby. He's never made me feel uncomfortable, and is very patient despite the fact that he doesn't understand or agree.

I'm insecure in nearly all my relationships. I constantly strive to help my mother. Without getting into too much detail, there's no way I can do that. So I do my best to be a friend, a shoulder to lean on, someone else to vent to, and still maintain that mother-daughter relationship. It's a lot harder than it sounds, and I second guess every conversation, for fear that I may have pushed her too hard, or said the wrong thing. My relationship with my father is rocky at best. I love him, to death. He has always worked his ass for his family, and his heart is in the right place. His tact, however, is nonexistent. The way he talks to and treats my mother sometimes makes me want to lash out. And occasionally I do. Then I find myself backpedaling trying not to make either of their lives more stressful. Now let me clarify that my parents are still very much in love, and my father has been there for my mother through her darkest days. However, he doesn't always realize the weight of words, and tone. He also has too much pride to hear any criticism, constructive or otherwise. My sister, is well... my sister. Things are very predictably unpredictable. I just keep waiting for the day that she realizes what she's doing. I may be waiting a lifetime. My brother is a ticking time bomb. Not in the "i'm going to go shoot up a school" sense, or a violent sense at all. He just.. doesn't communicate, bottles it all up and then (to quote mean girls) - word vomit. He'll be the first to admit it. Once he goes off, he goes for the low blows and crosses lines. For that reason, I'm cautious to share much of anything with him.

Most importantly, I've been a little lost in my marriage. This is going to sound so incredibly petty and stupid, but for some reason it really gets to me. I dated a boy (notice the word choice - boy) before I dated John. I fell too hard, too fast for this boy. He even had a special song for a ring tone on my phone that would send my stomach into an instant fit of butterflies every time he called. Well, I hadn't heard that stupid song since we broke up, and hadn't really given him much thought since John and I got together. Well that song came on at work the other day and my stomach dropped. I don't know why. But it bothered me that this other person seems to still have this effect on me. It's not that I still have feelings for him. As a matter of fact, the thought of even being friends with him is humorous to me. He's just at a totally different place in his life. We would have nothing in common. His priorities are in no way aligned with mine. My love for John and his love for me are not in question at all. I know exactly where we stand, it just really irks me that something could have an effect on me. Stupid, right?

Well, apparently John has these same insecurities because he was all upset last month for a couple days. Usually he needs a couple days to process what's upsetting him before he wants to talk about it, so I let him open the doors of communication. Well after 3-4 days of this weird hum drum attitude I asked him what was wrong, and I got the dreaded response: "Promise you won't get upset..." Well I about passed out. "Here it comes", I thought. "It's all over, he's realized he's too good for me and he's come to his senses". He could tell by my face that I was imagining the worst and he took my hand. "Relax, it's nothing serious.". I tried to relax. Come to find out he had been having a recurring dream for the past week that he was cheating on me. It was a dream. And it was tearing him apart. "I can't figure out why it keeps happening. I wake up so angry because I could never do that to us" yada yada yada. Funny how things strike a chord with different people. The dreams have stopped now (i wonder if it was the lack of sexual activity between us that was causing it. seemed to cure it at any rate). javascript:void(0)

In an effort to re-connect with John I've been trying to think of things we could do together. It used to be that a snuggle date,or a movie was enough to feel reconnected. But those are not alone-time activities anymore now that we have Lucas. So I decided maybe I should try snowboarding. If nothing else it will be a fun escape from reality for a few hours.

Blah, I just feel. Disconnected. Like I'm just floating about, getting by, and missing all the wonderful things around me. I mean, seriously, what do I have to complain about? I'm a suburban mom,complete with mini van, adorable baby, loving husband and a pretty good job. Things are tight, but we're not starving, or really in need of anything. I just need to decompress, relax and enjoy things. **sigh**

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