identity

Every time there's a major life change, I do this. I start a blog, livejournal, something. I inevitably name it something relevant to the life change. My livejournal names included "shows all she can", which was intended to be lyrics from a duran duran song, but proved to be quite prophetic about my college experience. I also coined "see for miles"... again stolen lyrics, but this time from The Who ... when new horizons opened up and life seemed to be outstretched before me. Then there was gorillagals.blogspot.com. When we opened the skate shop, and retail consumed my life, and I found my love (but lack of talent) for photography. It then transformed into a pregnancy blog, and since I was CONVINCED I was having a girl, the name still fit and so I kept it.
Well. It's a boy. (more about him later) and now I'm a mom. And I find myself at yet another crossroads of life. This time, the search for identity has this new sense of urgency. So I decided, I'd take the plunge. I'll use my actual name, and transcribe my journey to find my actual identity; to find Nicole Romiglio. Not Mrs. Romiglio, the wife. Not Lucas's Mommy. Not financial liason for RAD Skate Park, LLC & Gorilla Skate Shop. Not Spooky, Joey & Peanut's owner. Not Sue & Gerry's oldest child. Not Stephanie's big sister, or Jackson's auntie. Not Bobby's older, wiser sister. Not so & so's friend, Not so & so's teacher. Not the Daly's nanny. and most importantly not the girl with the super random tattoos. Sure... I hold all these titles. To anyone trying to describe me, they would most likely use one of these descirptions. But none of them actually say anything about me. These are all roles I've been handed in life. Whether through choices of my own, or by birth right, they don't describe me. These are not character traits, but rather titles. I want people to hear my name and instead of saying "Oh. Nicole Romiglio? I know her... she's [insert title here]". I want people to say something about my character. Or to share an story about me, that they just "have to tell". I realize that's a rediculous request. It's an impossible feat. And maybe I'll just feel better about all of those titles once I truly know my identity. Once I find the things that make me happy.
That being said, I'm not saying any of those titles make me UNHAPPY. I love being a wife, mother, financial liason, nanny, pet owner, daughter, sister, auntie, and freak with tattoos. I embrace all of those titles and all that comes with them. I love my life. I feel fulfilled. But that's not all I am. I have opinions that go undiscussed. I have thoughts that are hidden in the depths of my mind. I have desires to fullfill. This is all part of my journey. A suppose this journey to find an identity is really just a journey through life. To have experiences. To expand my horizons. To push myself to new limits. To break through my insecurities.
Whether I share this blog with anyone is a decision I'm not ready to make. Inevitably once people can read it, I will censor myself in some way. I won't be able to vent about situations, for fear of hurting someone's feelings. I think the plan is to give it a few weeks. If my entries seem to be centered around my own journey & explorations and not a vent-fest, then I will share. If I have a tendency to vent, I will keep private. Or maybe I will just have some private, "my eyes only", entries to vent, and keep the others public. We'll see how that goes.