Monday, August 17, 2009

Finding me...

So Thursday night was our first date night since Lucas arrived. I called John on Wednesday afternoon, thrilled that Suicide File was playing in Boston the next night. He got on the phone, asked Karla to babysit, and asked Magann to order our tickets. I was so excited.
So Thursday came around... holy crap. Getting a baby ready to go to a sitter's house is a lot of work. Especially when your water is contaminated. I had to boil every bottle we owned, pre-fill them and pack them. Luckily Karla has tons of baby gear, so I only had to worry about diapers, extra clothes, bottles & formula. But by the time I got him all ready to go, it was time for him to eat, of course. So we left a little later than planned.
By some miracle we got off of the mass pike 15 minutes before we needed to meet Magann at his house, despite missing the exit and needing to turn around. But then we got lost. An hour and half later, after driving in circles, we arrived at the ICC church, and were ready for the show.
We entered for the band before Suicide File. Holy Hell was it hot in there! I was instantly soaked in sweat. The walls were sweating, the floor was wet. Ugh. We found a nice wall spot in the back that was safe , and I was thrilled. We stood through some terrible band. I found myself glancing around to observe the various behaviors. Of course most of the guys there were behaving the same way. Dancing/moshing around, testosterone pumping. If they were bird they'd be flufflking out their chest feathers & crests and showing off. But it wasn't their behavior I was intersted in. It was the girls. Most stood idly at a wall, casually bobbing their head at most. It was rare to see a girl move anything more than that. I made a mental note of the girl standing next to John. She could have been dead, or a statue at this point. She hadn't moved an inch since we walked in.

Then it was time for Suicide File. It was awesome. Just as exciting as it was the last time they played four years ago. I made a mental note to try to observe some female behavior, but I had a tough time doing that. I was so into SFs set, that I really only made note of what I was doing. I was somewhere between the bobbing head girls and the crazy show-off boys. I stayed in my spot, at the wall. But I certainly wasn't just bobbing my head. I was pumping my fists, hitting the door next to me. Screaming the lyrics with so much passion you'd think I wrote them myself. Then, after a fantastic set, it was all over.

Bane was about to play. Bane is not, and never was a favorite of mine. But for some reason, Bane seems to be THE crossover band. Anyone that wants to get into the hardcore scene seems to start with Bane. Now the behavior for this band was totally different. Granted 70% of the crowd left before their set, but of those that stayed, the behavior of the boys & girls was very similar if not the same. The girl next to John came alive. Moving, dancing, singing, chanting... it was really nice to see. I found myself envious of her. She came to this show alone. Stood alone throughout the whole thing, and then when it came time to see "her" band; the band she came to see, she went nuts. She clearly didn't give a shit what anyone thought of her.

I thought about that girl nearly the whole ride home. I used to be just like her. I never went to shows alone, I always carpooled with people, but I usually stood alone. I didn't care what anyone thought of me. That lasted about... 2 months and then I had this weird attack of self conciousness that never went away. I had fun for SFs set, but I was definitely aware of what I was doing. I didn't throw caution to the wind and go nuts. I can't help but wonder why.

It hit me when I got to Karla's. I can't act like a moron anymore. I can't run around at shows, moshing with the boys. I have a little boy that counts on me. I enjoyed myself, and did what I deemed appropriate. I had fun. I don't NEED to act like the boys to enjoy myself. I was suddenly at peace with my experience. I wasn't envious of the statue-girl-turned-hardcore-nut. I was happy.

...and then that little bugger smiled and cooed at his Daddy. The biggest smile/coo I had heard. I melted, and all was right with the world.

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